At the moment: in deep thought
This isn't one of those "my view on life" type of blog posts. I know it will bore the shit out of you so I'm not going to bother. I also know that humans by nature love tsismis on people's private lives so here's one out of mine. However, I do not guarantee that it wouldn't be boring (because it probably will be since it's about jaded ol' me) Like how it goes in the blogging world: read at your own risk.
So here's the nitty gritty.
I've been in a lot of relationships in the past. Some were serious, some were ridiculous and some (well actually it's just one) I can say that is a total mistake. I've put all of that behind me because before meeting Julian I feel like I'm a completely different person (believe me I really was) and I don't like that kind of person. I like the "me" now. The "me" that I've worked so hard to make because yes, we make our own person.
The "me" before was a naive, helpless girl (the words are too kind actually) who enjoys dating too much. (and flirting for that matter) Do I sound displeasing to you already? Hold on, it gets worse.
Dating and boyfriends for me were a different kind of high. The kind of high I'd always like to be in, and I'd do anything to be in that state of intoxication for as long as I can. Now, I'm not the prettiest girl you'd see in a crowd. I'm as average as average can be, and until now I'm confused as to why I was given the privilege to actually have (that many) relationships when I don't think I can even attract anyone. I was given the opportunities. And oh have I abused them!
Two of the guys I've dated before, sent me Friendster Private Messages. (I will talk about friendster later) Both have an unassuming tone and a signal for peace. They don't mean any harm, they just wanted to know how I've been, what's been happening to me and probably get a testimonial from me. (testimonials from past relationships are always interesting) It was a nice, simple message... just the start of it that is.
Like every other person I know, they too couldn't resist the temptation to take a little peek at the past again. Now while it shouldn't be a big deal anymore, I suddenly felt naked
. Like I've been ripped off my costume and was thrown on the stage of a rock concert. Everything falls silent and all eyes rest on me. I stutter and try to defend myself but no matter what I say, the fact remains that I'm naked, and I can't lie about it because everyone can see that I'm naked. These two guys made me remember the girl that I was and I can't really retaliate because it's the truth.
I was playing.
I played around a lot. I'd get a boyfriend and then once I'm starting to get tired of him, I flirt with another guy and then when I see that the prospect can go somewhere, I break it off with my boyfriend for an overused reason (like studies and parents and stuff) See? It got worse.
Their messages were quite different. One was a bit friendly, while one was just a little bit hostile. The first one admitted that he too had a fault (well he should! Because after I played him, he played me) The second one was bitter to the core. He was the one who shoved to my face how cruel I was. I would've accepted it straight on but I knew... (oh yes, and it's not just defense mechanism) I knew that he had big flaws too. It's just annoying that he wasn't acknowledging it.
What have I learned from all this?
That however much you've changed, it doesn't mean that what you did changed too. The ones you've hurt, they're people too. And if you've managed to forget about your mistakes, it doesn't mean they will either. I may be a changed woman now, but I have been a despicable wretch before.
While it is healthy to move on, you should also be prepared to face the things you have done in the past because once in a while, it will surface and you have to be mature enough to handle it all over again as if it were yesterday's bruise.
Because really, you just can't escape it.